Pushing down emotion

The more I work the “normal eating” program, if that’s what I can even call it, the more I realize how much emotion I have pent up inside of me.  It’s not like it rules my thoughts all day, but I think they are lurking there just beneath the surface all the time.  Each time they come up, I push them back down and try to stop myself from feeling them and turn to food.

Why do I do this?  I think it’s because of a few things but one main thing is a period of what I can only call depression when I was younger.  It was just after I moved into 7th grade.  I was changing schools and the whole structure of school was different because we had eight1-hour classes and that combined with my emotional maturity threw me into a tailspin.  I cried during class and was just generally in an emotional turmoil.  My mom arranged for me to leave my classes if I had to and go see the school counselor to talk if he was available. 

Eventually I made it through and felt better.  He helped so much.  But I think what kicked me out of it was my mother coming home one night and in her frustration to help me, she basically yelled at me and told me to “snap out of it”.  Looking back, I’m not sure what was going on. I don’t think I ever figured it out.  But I knew my behavior was clearly unacceptable and I began to push my emotions down.  I think it helped me to move on in the moment but in the long run I think it taught me to stop myself from feeling.  I remember the next year I was so afraid I was going to go through the same process but as soon as I started having that feeling again, that sad, scared feeling, I just pushed it down and refused to let myself go there again. 

I continued to feel anxious each year at th beginning of the school year through my college years but it faded a lot and every time it came up, I would push it down.  And I believe I continue to do that.  Which I am sure results in a lot of absent eating. 

I don’t blame my mother, I know she was doing the best she could for me at the time.  But sometimes I wish I could go back and talk to that little girl and help her through that time in her life and allow her to feel all those feelings without shutting down. 

So now my goal is to let myself feel.  Even though it hurts and even though I don’t always want to, I need to if I ever want to move on.  I am more mature now and realize that eventually, the intensity of the feelings will decrease if I just let them go.

Taking care of myself, what does that mean??

What does taking care of myself mean? We throw this phrase around like we should automatically know but it’s an elusive action. Right off I think about exercising and eating right. But maybe it’s much more than that. Obviously making doctor’s appointments and getting all regular checkups on time fits in. Speaking of which, need to go see a dentist…

In addition to that, maybe getting regular haircuts and updating the wardrobe on a consistent basis so I feel like I look nice. That would include makeup and facials and possibly giving myself pedicures and manicures (or better yet having the money to pay someone!).

Would this include keeping the house and my office clean? Taking value in my things and the world directly surrounding me. I guess that would include my car and my dog. The maintenance of life is soothing and feels good when I do it (which I have to admit is not often).

Showering every day and wearing clean clothes. Seems simple but sometimes is a challenge for me. Could also be a sign of depression, I guess…

Something else that comes to mind is keeping up on my hobbies. I don’t feel like I have many of these so this might be an area of improvement. I love to read and watch movies and TV but that’s pretty sedentary. I also like to sing and listen to music although I don’t know much about it and although I’d love to download lots of new songs to my IPOD I don’t always know what musicians to look for! Hmm…other hobbies… I don’t even know what I like to do! This is worrisome. I’d like to sail because I love being on the water but it’s expensive and I don’t have a lot of extra money every month. Maybe biking? Walking? Maybe this one shouldn’t be keeping up on hobbies but finding out what hobbies I’d like to try. I did guitar for a bit but that didn’t last, it’s hard!!

Keeping up with communication. This one is particularly hard for me for some reason. I always have people I need to email or call which causes me a lot of stress but I put it off all the time. Sometimes it just seems like too much and even when I get caught up in my mind, then I feel like it’s not long before I start to feel guilty and the pressure again. This is something that probably needs some investigation.

Eating foods I like and taking time to prepare meals and eat sitting down at the table. This is a huge challenge because I have a husband who likes to eat on the couch watching TV so there’s not a whole lot of motivation to do this. So much easier to eat in front of the tv. A big hurdle but worth working on.

This kind of goes along with buying clothes but having the right underwear. I don’t know much about this because my mom didn’t teach me much, or maybe I just wasn’t listening. This is a challenge for me and I have felt in the past like it’s a waste of money but now I am starting to change my mind a little on that. It’s a very girly thing to do.

What else? Some things that aren’t such activities but more a state of mind are following up on promises made, both to myself and to others. Meditating every day to try to calm my mind and help me focus. Getting fresh air and being out in nature in some capacity. I think this is particularly important to me. Saying no to myself gently when necessary. Changing my beliefs so as not to beat myself up for things when I don’t deserve it. Working this program bit by bit until it makes sense and I start to create new thought patterns. Recognizing and calming fat and ugly attacks. Speaking up for myself when I would normally go along for the ride. Asking for and accepting help from others. Telling myself and others what I need. Asking myself what I need and then patiently waiting for an answer. Being curious and gentle with myself to try to understand why I do what I do and think the way I think. This will aid in helping me become the person I dream I can be. Accepting myself and my body for who I am and stop continuing to wish I were someone else. That causes a LOT of anxiety. Start telling myself I strongly prefer to change rather than telling myself I HAVE to change because that makes me very anxious.

As I writ this list I realize taking care of myself requires action but in addition it requires a lot of mental work. This is when I take a deep breath and step away for a while. I will come back and read this later and add any additional thoughts. It’s been very interesting to think about this…

Life is just one big ball of denial

So, even though I haven’t been posting I am still working my way toward normal eating. I have recently rededicated myself to trying to make progress. Up until a couple of weeks ago I’ve basically been trying half-heartedly and I haven’t gained very much, maybe a few pounds. In a way that is reassuring but I know I won’t make progress unless I commit to this process.

For the past couple of weeks, I have been sticking to the very basic rule: Eat when I am hungry and stop when I feel satisfied. I feel like I might be able to see a little difference in my face but I don’t want to get too excited.

I had a challenging day yesterday and am feeling some residual effects today but startin up with this blog again today is a promising sign.

One of the residual effects is that this morning I went crazy about my hair! It’s annoying, too long, takes too long to dry, is fine and thick and wavy which is not a good combo. I decided that the only answer is to chop it all off! I almost made an appt but the hairdresser was booked so I made an appt for Monday. It might be a good thing. My hope is that I get it cut short, maybe to the bottom of my neck, and that will make it easier to get up and work out in the morning. We’ll see if that works.

I think I have some other issues going on and they are coming out through unconcious eating and wanting to change my hair. Is life just one big ball of denial and redirection of feelings? Seriously, what is the answer???

TiVo promotes weight loss?

One of the hardest things about tyring to be a normal eater is the number of weight loss ads on tv and in magazines. I can’t get through one episode of law and order without someone telling me how eating Special K will help me achieve my weight loss goals.

Here I am trying to relax by watching tv, minding my own business, and I am inundated with weight loss ads which leads to anxiety over my weight. I am trying to be okay with where I am and that’s hard enough to do without the constant reminder that I am not where I want to be.

I think TiVo or the DVR is the answer. It will help me in many ways including preventing me from having to watch bad tv when nothing else is on. This will be on my honeydo list for the week. Every little bit helps!

UPDATE
I did get a DVR and it is SO FANTASTIC!! I am able to fast forward through all the ads and even if I am watching real time, I can pause, go to the bathroom, come back and fast forward rather than watch the ads. It really helps me stay even.

Guilt me!

I have been reading and working the food feelings workbook.  I have learned some really interesting things about guilt, namely that I have too much.  Guilt is supposed to let you know when you have done something wrong so you can remedy the situation (if possible).  Then the guilt is supposed to go away.  That works for me, usually, the problem is that I have too much.  I feel guilty even when I haven’t done anything wrong.

I am sure it has something to do with my parents and learned behavior  

I will continue working through the book.  It goes through 7 different emotions that generally trigger over or undereating.  Guilt is number one and second is shame.

One of the questions at the end of the chapter asks what I will do to alleviate guilt.  My biggest tactic is to try to reframe my thoughts in reference to guilt.  For example, I feel guilty if I don’t do something that someone else wants me to do, even if I need to do something else to take care of myself.  This especially doesn’t make sense because that’s not necessarily doing anything wrong.  So I guess my belief is that if I don’t do something someone asks me to do, they will be upset and I will feel guilty.  To reframe I would say, sometimes I won’t be able to do what others want me to do and that is okay OR I am not responsible for others’ happiness.

Another note on guilt.  One of the results of my ‘parenting and learned behavior’ is that I did not learn to trust myself, therefore I am always wrong and other people are always right.  Others are always better than me.  Not sure how I am going to tackle that one but I suppose just being aware of it is something.

On a happier note, I have been doing pushups pretty consistently for the last two months or so.  Today I have done 90 pushups total, I broke it down into 5 groups.  The goal of my program is one hundred pushups.  I am shocked and proud of myself!  I think I have been inspired by the Olympics because it’s gotten my butt in gear!  I also started on the Core Rhythms workout today which is really fun   I bought it one night when I couldn’t sleep off of an infomercial…nice!

Mixed emotions

I was reading Karen Koenig’s book “The Rules of Normal Eating” and something she said really stuck with me.  She said “whenever your behavior doesn’t align with your intent, it means that you’re holding two sets of opposing feelings.”

One thing that frustrates me about myself is that I want to be fit but I don’t exercise on a regular basis.  I either don’t exercise at all or I will start and then stop abruptly.  I gave it some thought and realized my underlying belief is that no matter  how much I exercise, it doesn’t make a difference.  It’s a fruitless effort.  It is something I want but the payoff is too far down the road. 

Since I am now in touch with both opposing emotions, I can make a rational decision and one outweighs the other.  Most of the time I choose to exercise and it feels like I am doing something I want to do rather than something I feel like I have to do.

Now anytime something comes up that I know I want but I have trouble getting, I try to look inside and figure out what my opposing emotions might be and that helps me make a decision one way or the other.  Making a concious decision takes the frustration and hopelessness away.

Failing forward

Okay, this is what has changed for me in the last year since I started on this path of normal eating:

• I am no longer dieting.  I haven’t counted calories or written down my points or tracked what I am eating at all.  I basically try to wait until I am hungry to eat and then eat to a 6 on a scale of 1-10 of hunger.  Then I wait until I am hungry again.
• I am much more in touch with my body and my hunger.  I can tell the difference between mouth hunger and physical hunger.  I also know when I am doing emotional eating.  I can’t always stop myself but I know when I am doing it. 
• I am getting better at sensing satiation.  It’s the moment that I become aware of the act of eating rather than just enjoying the food.  It’s when I start asking myself, am I still hungry?  It’s a settled feeling with a bit of anxiety because I want to keep eating but I know I am satisfied.  This is tough and I work on it all the time.
• I threw away my scale.  I haven’t weighed myself at all in the last year and when I go to the doctor I close my eyes when they weigh me.  I am too affected by the number on the scale, it just makes me anxious, so I no longer do it.  That doesn’t mean I am not tempted, but basically this has been an easy change for me.
• It’s been a year and I have maybe gained 10 lbs if that.  I am still the same size I was before I started this process (16).  I did lose some weight toward the end of last year but I think I have gained it back and a little more.  I lost weight because I broke my leg and was laid up in bed for a while and couldn’t make myself food LOL  It did teach me to ask for help! (I was a little worried about gaining a lot of weight but I am happy to say that it didn’t happen and I feel good about my progress even though the weight isn’t coming off).
• I can tell if I lose or gain weight based on how my clothes fit.  I can also tell because of how my eating habits fluctuate.  If my clothes are tight I am usually not surprised.
• I got rid of all the clothes in my closet that don’t fit me.  I bought some new clothes that do.  Right now, everything in my closet fits, although I don’t love every piece.  I do have to increase the shopping I do for myself.
• I bought myself a full-lenght mirror and I try to look at myself naked often and even play with my body and try to be positive about it.  That sounds kind of bad LOL but basically I act like a kid would when they see their body.  Noticing without judgement.  Not always easy but when I start to be mean to myself, I stop looking.
• I look at myself in mirrors and windows when I walk by.  I used to conciously notice them and make an effort to walk where I couldn’t see myself or avoid looking.  Now I look.  I am trying to come to terms with what I actually look like and not make judgements about it.  Again, not always easy but I effort.
• I crave things I didn’t used to crave.  Sometimes I want to eat salad, or veggies, and that is all.  I try to be true to my cravings, too.  If I want a bagel and cream cheese, I eat it, in all it’s splendor.
• When I go to the grocery store, I buy exactly what I want without holding back.  This was VERY hard to do at first.  The first time I did this I didn’t know what to buy!  I was so programmed to put foods I knew I SHOULD eat into the cart that I almost didn’t know what I wanted to eat.  I still struggle with this.  It’s so easy to fall back into old habits of yogurt and cottage cheese and low fat foods because I did it for so long.
• I have started cooking.  I find recipes that I think sound good and I get all the ingredients and I cook!  I am beginning to enjoy it.  I really like finding things I like to eat but don’t know how to cook and then cooking it. 
• I try to be gentle with myself.  This is one of the hardest things to change and one of the biggest things I need to work on.
• I got a DVR.  Weight loss commercials really stressed me out.  The pressure I put on myself comes from wanting to be thin now now now so seeing those commercials just made things worse, or reminded me of it when I wasn’t even thinking about it.  So now I can fast forward.  I am finding that elimination of bad influences where I it’s feasible really  helps me.
• I stopped reading most magazines.  I still like to read US Magazine but I do it far less than I used to and I don’t pore over it when I do read it.  I can honestly said I don’t know the names of Angelina and Brad’s twins and I definitely would have last year.  I do know that they had twins, though.
• I don’t put  alot of pressure on myself to exercise.  I’m trying to keep things simple, one thing at a time.  I do exercise my leg (I broke it last year and am still rehabilitating) and I do pushups.  More on exercise later.

Looking back over the list I realize just how much has changed for me.  Sometimes I feel like I am not moving at all but seeing a comprehensive list lets me know that’s not true.  Apparently I have been failing forward!  I love that phrase

Normal Eating

One year ago (almost) today I discovered normal eating.  I had a particularly frustrating day on my diet of choice (Weight Watchers) and desperately went searching online for answers.  I first searched “oral fixation” because I knew there must be a name for my affliction.  I learned that this affliction didn’t have much to do with eating food.  So I kept looking and eventually found a website called www.overcomingovereating.com.  I started reading through a list of qualities and realized this was my problem.  I found a couple of books and ordered them off Amazon (“Overcoming Overeating” and “Breaking Free From Emotional Eating”).  I learned so much from those books and immediately started making changes in my life that were very scary.  I threw away my scale, cleaned out my closet of any clothes that didn’t fit, got a full-length mirror and started eating whatever I wanted.  I went to the grocery store and put everything I love in the cart to bring home, and in large quantities.

It was scary and fun at the same time.  I had no idea what was going to happen but I knew what I was doing wasn’t working so maybe I needed to take a leap of faith.  Those around me were more than a little worried.  Both my husband and mother thought I was going to get super fat.  Somehow I wasn’t worried about that, though.  A few things led me to that feeling. 

First, I knew that I had been a normal eater at one time.  I didn’t gain weight until the last year of college.  All through the rest of my life I was of normal size.  I wasn’t super skinny or anything, but I was a normal athletic teen and I didn’t remember ever having an eating issue.  I did get skinny my senior year in high school but that was mostly because of boyfriend issues.  I just didn’t feel like eating.  Other than that I was pretty normal.  Food was never a huge focus in my life, I just ate when I was hungry.  So I believed I could have that again.

The second reason is because just before my wedding I started losing weight without even trying.  For some reason I didn’t focus on that for my wedding like some people do.  But during the weeks leading up to my wedding the weight just started coming off all by itself.  I wasn’t doing anything!  In fact, when I started to notice the scale dropping I thought it was kind of weird and just kept thinking, this will stop soon, it’s just a fluke.  But it didn’t stop and I kept losing right up until the big day.  I lost about 20lbs during that time.  It was like the weight just fell off.  So I knew it was possible to eat what I wanted and still lose weight.  Logically it made sense to me.

So I took a leap of faith.  And now, 1 year later, I am probably only 10 lbs heavier than I was, if that.  So I found out that it is possible to stop dieting and not blow up like a whale.  Amazing!  It really is, actually.

I am starting this blog so I can write about my experience moving toward normal eating.  I think it will help me make progress and maybe someday it will help someone else just to know the path I took.  There are many dieting and weght loss blogs and many non-dieting fat positive blogs, but very few that have to do with normal eating.  Either that or I haven’t found them yet.

Over the next few days I will write about what I have learned in the past year, what has changed and what’s stayed the same, where I am in the process and what my next steps will be.  I will also talk about the resources I currently use and don’t use and why.