Failing forward

Okay, this is what has changed for me in the last year since I started on this path of normal eating:

• I am no longer dieting.  I haven’t counted calories or written down my points or tracked what I am eating at all.  I basically try to wait until I am hungry to eat and then eat to a 6 on a scale of 1-10 of hunger.  Then I wait until I am hungry again.
• I am much more in touch with my body and my hunger.  I can tell the difference between mouth hunger and physical hunger.  I also know when I am doing emotional eating.  I can’t always stop myself but I know when I am doing it. 
• I am getting better at sensing satiation.  It’s the moment that I become aware of the act of eating rather than just enjoying the food.  It’s when I start asking myself, am I still hungry?  It’s a settled feeling with a bit of anxiety because I want to keep eating but I know I am satisfied.  This is tough and I work on it all the time.
• I threw away my scale.  I haven’t weighed myself at all in the last year and when I go to the doctor I close my eyes when they weigh me.  I am too affected by the number on the scale, it just makes me anxious, so I no longer do it.  That doesn’t mean I am not tempted, but basically this has been an easy change for me.
• It’s been a year and I have maybe gained 10 lbs if that.  I am still the same size I was before I started this process (16).  I did lose some weight toward the end of last year but I think I have gained it back and a little more.  I lost weight because I broke my leg and was laid up in bed for a while and couldn’t make myself food LOL  It did teach me to ask for help! (I was a little worried about gaining a lot of weight but I am happy to say that it didn’t happen and I feel good about my progress even though the weight isn’t coming off).
• I can tell if I lose or gain weight based on how my clothes fit.  I can also tell because of how my eating habits fluctuate.  If my clothes are tight I am usually not surprised.
• I got rid of all the clothes in my closet that don’t fit me.  I bought some new clothes that do.  Right now, everything in my closet fits, although I don’t love every piece.  I do have to increase the shopping I do for myself.
• I bought myself a full-lenght mirror and I try to look at myself naked often and even play with my body and try to be positive about it.  That sounds kind of bad LOL but basically I act like a kid would when they see their body.  Noticing without judgement.  Not always easy but when I start to be mean to myself, I stop looking.
• I look at myself in mirrors and windows when I walk by.  I used to conciously notice them and make an effort to walk where I couldn’t see myself or avoid looking.  Now I look.  I am trying to come to terms with what I actually look like and not make judgements about it.  Again, not always easy but I effort.
• I crave things I didn’t used to crave.  Sometimes I want to eat salad, or veggies, and that is all.  I try to be true to my cravings, too.  If I want a bagel and cream cheese, I eat it, in all it’s splendor.
• When I go to the grocery store, I buy exactly what I want without holding back.  This was VERY hard to do at first.  The first time I did this I didn’t know what to buy!  I was so programmed to put foods I knew I SHOULD eat into the cart that I almost didn’t know what I wanted to eat.  I still struggle with this.  It’s so easy to fall back into old habits of yogurt and cottage cheese and low fat foods because I did it for so long.
• I have started cooking.  I find recipes that I think sound good and I get all the ingredients and I cook!  I am beginning to enjoy it.  I really like finding things I like to eat but don’t know how to cook and then cooking it. 
• I try to be gentle with myself.  This is one of the hardest things to change and one of the biggest things I need to work on.
• I got a DVR.  Weight loss commercials really stressed me out.  The pressure I put on myself comes from wanting to be thin now now now so seeing those commercials just made things worse, or reminded me of it when I wasn’t even thinking about it.  So now I can fast forward.  I am finding that elimination of bad influences where I it’s feasible really  helps me.
• I stopped reading most magazines.  I still like to read US Magazine but I do it far less than I used to and I don’t pore over it when I do read it.  I can honestly said I don’t know the names of Angelina and Brad’s twins and I definitely would have last year.  I do know that they had twins, though.
• I don’t put  alot of pressure on myself to exercise.  I’m trying to keep things simple, one thing at a time.  I do exercise my leg (I broke it last year and am still rehabilitating) and I do pushups.  More on exercise later.

Looking back over the list I realize just how much has changed for me.  Sometimes I feel like I am not moving at all but seeing a comprehensive list lets me know that’s not true.  Apparently I have been failing forward!  I love that phrase